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nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Toast   7/17/2016

A good man Rich, was with his friends having a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" And that won him the prize that night.

He went home and told his wife that he won the prize for the best toast. She asekd, "What was your toast?" Not wanting to get in trouble he said, "Heres to ...


2 Comments, 99 Views, 12 Votes ,5.10 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
right size!!!   7/15/2016

Does size matter to women?



FRIENDS !!!

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches- I've had bigger than that. 5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches - Perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches - Too much pressure ...


5 Comments, 95 Views, 17 Votes ,5.53 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere   7/15/2016

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I ...


3 Comments, 112 Views, 11 Votes ,3.92 Score
Golf and Public Restroom Similarities   7/14/2016

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be ...


0 Comments, 43 Views, 8 Votes ,2.32 Score
hard1foru48035 49 M
1  Article
One liner   7/14/2016

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? Answer: $100 bill


3 Comments, 16 Views, 7 Votes ,3.80 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
How Long Has It Been?   7/13/2016

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!” Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. ...


3 Comments, 105 Views, 12 Votes ,3.33 Score
DirigoDiogenes 50 M
1  Article
Overheard at the lawyer's office   7/10/2016

Attorney: "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but insanity is not grounds for divorce in this state."

Mickey: "God damn it, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"


2 Comments, 49 Views, 8 Votes ,4.41 Score
The Sheer Negligee   7/8/2016

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks ...


4 Comments, 172 Views, 18 Votes ,5.17 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
When I grow up...   7/8/2016

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.

The ...


2 Comments, 94 Views, 12 Votes ,4.92 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
The tweeker and the dude in the old looking lamp...   7/8/2016

A tweeker is out digging thru a dumpster one night and he finds a old looking lamp thing and starts to try and shine it up so he can take it to a pawn shop or somewhere later. Well a little poof of smoke came out and turned into some dude. The dude said ", I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."

The tweeker says, "I want a big bag of meth!", the genie says."Ok." ...


3 Comments, 85 Views, 14 Votes ,2.50 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
beep beep!!   7/8/2016

One day a father and his five year old went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.The could not help but notice her size. "Dad looks at her! She is so huge!"The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don"t hurt her feelings."The persisted, "But dad she ...


5 Comments, 111 Views, 20 Votes ,4.91 Score
thatoneguy2319 26 M
1  Article
I'm not horny   7/7/2016

Just kidding i am


1 Comments, 12 Views, 4 Votes ,0.53 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
Fart Joke   7/6/2016

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. as a matter of fact, I have farted at least 10 times since I have been here in your office. Neither You or anyone else knew I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent.

The doctor, wrinkling up his nose, ...


2 Comments, 73 Views, 11 Votes ,4.85 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
And the moral of the story is...   7/4/2016

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and ...


2 Comments, 100 Views, 9 Votes ,4.07 Score
JoldmanL 71 M
9  Articles
This Must be Santa Claus Lucky Month!   7/3/2016

We know Santa Claus comes in December, Now they want us to believe he Comes twice a year? I wonder if Mrs. Claus Knows about Christmas in July? We Know in Australia it is Summer time December 24, does this mean its Winter in July, Down Under? Maybe we should carry this Step Ladder to make it A Federal Case in a Higher Court... Because we all Know there is no Sanity Clause...

Enjoy ...


0 Comments, 40 Views, 5 Votes ,2.49 Score
this website   7/3/2016

the jokes on you if your a standard member. you cant do much with out gold. go gold


2 Comments, 18 Views, 5 Votes ,0.21 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Good Blowjob.   7/3/2016

How do you know when you've had a good blowjob?

...



...



You have to burp her to get your balls back.


4 Comments, 31 Views, 9 Votes ,4.71 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
horny cock!!   7/2/2016

reply to this post rate flag



Rodney the Rooster

A farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster and names him Rodney.

The first day Rodney nails every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Rodney trying to screw his . The farmer walks over to Rodney and says "You've ...


4 Comments, 108 Views, 14 Votes ,5.22 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Little Johnny and a Moral   7/1/2016

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one ...


0 Comments, 43 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
dollars and sense!!!   6/30/2016

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then ...


2 Comments, 58 Views, 8 Votes ,5.10 Score
rn314 39 M
2  Articles
Family   6/30/2016

A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...


1 Comments, 68 Views, 7 Votes ,4.82 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Turning to religion   6/29/2016

I was just devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam and we are stoning her in the morning.


1 Comments, 35 Views, 5 Votes ,1.19 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Wife missing   6/29/2016

My wife has been missing a week now. The Police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I had to go down to Goodwill and get all of her clothes back


1 Comments, 34 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Reincarnated   6/29/2016

I tried to explain to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but you come back as a different creature.

She said that when she dies she would like to come back as a cow.

I told her she obviously wasnt listening...


2 Comments, 42 Views, 5 Votes ,3.80 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
911 call   6/29/2016

A man calls 911 and tells the operator that he thinks his wife is dead...

The operator says How do you know?

The man says well the sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up


0 Comments, 23 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
cost of living   6/29/2016

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries


0 Comments, 17 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Thrown out of school   6/29/2016

My was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class a hand job.

I said damnit ... thats 3 schools this year

You had better stop before you are banned from teaching altogether ...


0 Comments, 25 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Local Bar   6/29/2016

Went to the local bar last night with my wife, the locals started shouting and yelling "pedophile" and other names at me just because my wife is 25 and I am 50...



It completely spoiled our 10th Anniversary ...


0 Comments, 22 Views, 2 Votes ,4.50 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Birds and Bees   6/27/2016

A father asks his 10 year old if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I don't want to know!" the says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad, " the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There is no Santa' speech. At seven , I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with ...


2 Comments, 68 Views, 5 Votes ,3.80 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
oldie but goldie!   6/27/2016

Blonde Joke of the Day



Back in the '80's, a blonde lady decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds *VERY* stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. ...


1 Comments, 85 Views, 13 Votes ,4.99 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Polish Divorce   6/27/2016

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well - until one day he rushed into a Lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds" ...


0 Comments, 60 Views, 4 Votes ,4.02 Score
rm_BIGYODAG2 65 M
24  Articles
Blond-e Men   6/27/2016

Men Can Be Blond Too: You Know! Most blond jokes are about women, but who said men can't be blonde too? Here are 3 that put the shoe on the other foot, proving that it's not about gender, or about being blonde, it's just about making funny jokes! Blonde men: There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, ...


1 Comments, 64 Views, 5 Votes ,3.14 Score
JoldmanL 71 M
9  Articles
Why does Congress....... ?   6/27/2016

Why does Congress treat us like MUSHROOMS?

;

;

;

;

; The House of Representatives, run for election and reelections every 2 years ;;;

;

; The Senators, run for election and reelection every 6 years

;

; They feed us manure;

; and keep us in the Dark!


0 Comments, 19 Views, 2 Votes ,1.04 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Unattractive Ladies Man   6/27/2016

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, ...


1 Comments, 61 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Gas Issues   6/26/2016

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. as a matter of fact, I have farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come ...


2 Comments, 41 Views, 6 Votes ,4.79 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Don't Tailgate   6/26/2016

I have had enough!

There is no need to be tailgating me while I am doing 50 in a 35 zone so just BACK OFF!!

Also, those flashing lights on your roof look ridiculous!


1 Comments, 21 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
steel1462002 45 M
1  Article
Zootopia   6/26/2016

The joke told to Flash the sloth was 3 x as funny reading the Sloths running the dmv


1 Comments, 12 Views, 2 Votes ,2.42 Score
rm_BIGYODAG2 65 M
24  Articles
A Long Italian Funeral   6/24/2016

ITALIAN FUNERAL - A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a a large on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men ...


2 Comments, 51 Views, 6 Votes ,4.79 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Best We Can Offer   6/24/2016

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist, that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you, ” she says.

“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of pain and severe embarrassment. I was ...


2 Comments, 68 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
JoldmanL 71 M
9  Articles
Overheard on a golf course   6/23/2016

A Minister, a Bishop and a Rabbi were playing golf, the caddy came and asked a question that got them thinking and how to respond. "How do you decide what to give and what to keep.... They answered this way it is the 10 / 10 / 100 percent rule... This caused a big debate on how to apply it.... The Bishop said I draw a circle inside a circle and stand outside this circle. The Minister ...


2 Comments, 58 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
It's All In the Name   6/23/2016

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, , our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to ...


2 Comments, 63 Views, 6 Votes ,4.22 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
scam!!!!   6/22/2016

WARNING: TO ALL THE MEN: READ THE FOLLOWING





Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customer s at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This ...


2 Comments, 75 Views, 11 Votes ,4.48 Score
A real page turner   6/22/2016

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her ...


3 Comments, 64 Views, 5 Votes ,4.77 Score
JoldmanL 71 M
9  Articles
When I was First Married   6/22/2016

When we were newly weds, My wife made fantastic meals... My work was crazy, and never knew what time I would get off. I would get home at all hours. The meals turned into TV Dinners. Then my wife said, from now on, I am going to treat you like a Greek God, No more TV dinners! I Felt Great hearing the GOOD NEWS!

;

;

;

; Three Months Later;

; ...


1 Comments, 64 Views, 6 Votes ,2.51 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Aussies   6/22/2016

An Australian is visiting Britain.

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights, and just crosses the streets whenever and wherever, almost getting hit by cars all the time.

A police officer sees him and shouts: " Oi! You there, did you come here to die?"

The Aussie replies: " Nah mate, I came yesterday."


2 Comments, 36 Views, 5 Votes ,4.12 Score
Bighorn6666 54 M
6  Articles
Assertive   6/22/2016

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist for help. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem. He gave the man a book on assertiveness which the man read on the subway home.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger he said "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house ...


1 Comments, 50 Views, 4 Votes ,4.02 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Man of the House   6/22/2016

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked up directly to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a ...


0 Comments, 55 Views, 5 Votes ,3.47 Score
FLSTC23 59 M
1  Article
A guy gets a ....   6/21/2016

So this friend of mine and me, we get together for a couple of beers or a twelver. So we're sitting out on the deck getting more than a little wasted, and he tells me he got a in NYC for $20.00.

"Yo! Twenty bucks, how was she?" I slurred back at him.

"She was great, but she gave me the crabs."

"So what do you expect for twenty bucks, dude? LOBSTER???"

Peace ...


1 Comments, 42 Views, 5 Votes ,3.14 Score
FLSTC23 59 M
1  Article
A guy gets a ....   6/21/2016

So this friend of mine and me, we get together for a couple of beers or a twelver. So we're sitting out on the deck getting more than a little wasted, and he tells me he got a in NYC for $20.00.

"Yo! Twenty bucks, how was she?" I slurred back at him.

"She was great, but she gave me the crabs."

"So what do you expect for twenty bucks, dude? LOBSTER???"

Peace ...


0 Comments, 11 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
whats wrong hun?   6/21/2016

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women, " he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her behind, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that, " said the wife, "But how did you ...


3 Comments, 67 Views, 9 Votes ,4.71 Score
reallybigcock72 45 M
3  Articles
always horny   6/20/2016

why was tigger looking down the toilet looking for pooh lol


1 Comments, 20 Views, 4 Votes ,0.53 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Little Johnny is at it again   6/20/2016

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to ...


3 Comments, 92 Views, 9 Votes ,5.14 Score
Jokes   6/20/2016

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.


0 Comments, 27 Views, 1 Votes ,3.70 Score
toliveshizz 50 M
3  Articles
Just do it   6/20/2016

sir long foot


0 Comments, 14 Views, 1 Votes
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Be Quiet, They're Getting Closer   6/19/2016

A farmer has a rooster that goes around screwing all the animals in the barnyard. The rooster keeps this up for quite a while before the farmer finally pulls him aside and warns him. “Look, ” the farmer says, ”you had better take it a little easier or you’re liable to screw yourself to death.” The rooster just laughs at the farmer and goes out and has all the chickens in the chicken ...


0 Comments, 62 Views, 4 Votes ,4.02 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Lawyer   6/17/2016

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness replied, "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that ...


0 Comments, 83 Views, 8 Votes ,3.94 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Blonde from First Class   6/15/2016

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, ...


2 Comments, 102 Views, 13 Votes ,4.32 Score
funny joke   6/14/2016

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s ...


0 Comments, 80 Views, 7 Votes ,3.80 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Elite Chicken Farmer   6/14/2016

The , in need to file her taxes, visits an accountant for the first time. “Before we begin I’ll need some information.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a , ” she says. The accountant balks and says, “No, no, that will not work; too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, ...


1 Comments, 77 Views, 9 Votes ,5.14 Score
rad200159 59 M
1  Article
Little Red Riding hood   6/13/2016

Little red riding hood told here mother she was going to grandmas house to visit. Her mother responded "Don't cut through the woods or the big bad wolf will suck your titties dry". She assures her mother she won't and heads out.

When she gets to the cutoff through the woods, she makes the turn and takes the shortcut. Shortly after the turn little red riding hood crosses a stream and ...


1 Comments, 82 Views, 10 Votes ,4.58 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Cheesehead Types   6/12/2016

Two men were driving through Dubuque, Iowa when they got pulled over by a Dubuque Police Officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down his window and "WHACK, " the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Iowa, , " the Officer answered. "When we pull you over in Iowa, you ...


1 Comments, 73 Views, 9 Votes ,5.35 Score
The 10 Dollar Complaint   6/11/2016

A man goes to a $10 and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"


0 Comments, 32 Views, 4 Votes ,5.19 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
smart woman!!   6/11/2016

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry, " he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem, " he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." ...


2 Comments, 102 Views, 14 Votes ,4.26 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Ice Cream Truck   6/10/2016

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, ...


0 Comments, 87 Views, 8 Votes ,3.71 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
LETTERS   6/10/2016

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest.

The doctor said: That's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest?

The woman replied: My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love.

Several ...


1 Comments, 77 Views, 8 Votes ,5.33 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Group Therapy for Moms   6/9/2016

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small . "You all have obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your 's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your ...


2 Comments, 81 Views, 8 Votes ,5.10 Score
What Part of your body goes to heaven first ?   6/8/2016

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, - “When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first ?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, - “I think it's your hands.”

- “Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?”

Suzy replied, - “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front ...


1 Comments, 114 Views, 10 Votes ,6.37 Score
Phi_you_up 34 M
2  Articles
3 drunk guy get in a taxi   6/7/2016

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly ...


0 Comments, 57 Views, 4 Votes ,4.41 Score
Phi_you_up 34 M
2  Articles
Texans   6/7/2016

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger, ” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, ” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”


0 Comments, 42 Views, 5 Votes ,4.12 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
His Wife, the Translator   6/5/2016

An old man went to the doctor for his annual check up, but his hearing was not that good. His wife came with him to assist the doctor with translation. The doctor began with, "I need a urine sample."

"Huh!" the old man yelled. "He needs a urine sample! Pee in the cup!" she yelled back. "Oh, okay, " he mumbled as he went to pee in the cup.

As he returned with his cup the doctor ...


0 Comments, 78 Views, 3 Votes ,3.92 Score
Jewish Divorce   6/2/2016

A Jewish says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8-bedroom mansion! You drive a $250, 000 Ferrari! You get $2, 000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year and ...


2 Comments, 195 Views, 11 Votes ,5.41 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
the difference!   6/2/2016

Mechanic vs Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the ...


1 Comments, 99 Views, 12 Votes ,5.80 Score
why do women like to ride motorcyles   6/1/2016

because they like something hard and vibrates between their legs


0 Comments, 18 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
sexaddictdon 66 M
31  Articles
Haircut....   6/1/2016

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...


1 Comments, 77 Views, 4 Votes ,5.19 Score
sexaddictdon 66 M
31  Articles
A Doctor and his Wife....   6/1/2016

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed, " she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”


0 Comments, 87 Views, 4 Votes ,4.41 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Dad, and the birds and the bees.   5/31/2016

A man and his little boy were walking in the park one day., , when a drop-dead gorgeous girl went jogging by, Of course, dad had to stop and look at the skin tight jogging suit. with the top off, and a skimpy halter top on. And all the while the boy was pulling on his dad's pants, pointing to the jogger and saying 'dad, dad'. Well, dad just ignored him, and went on. Well , pretty soon ...


0 Comments, 108 Views, 6 Votes ,4.22 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
The Telephone   5/30/2016

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second telephone.


0 Comments, 16 Views, 4 Votes ,4.41 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Bagel Fun   5/30/2016

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.


0 Comments, 5 Views, 2 Votes ,1.73 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
A Vulture Boards An Airplane...   5/30/2016

A vulture boards and airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says "I'm sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion".


0 Comments, 18 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
Laught during sex   5/26/2016

Hi guys and gals!

I in most cases love joking and making fun during sex. But I know it may be irritating for most of the people. How would you respond to a partner who laughs and tries to make jokes during sex: insist on being serious or have fun together?


3 Comments, 44 Views, 5 Votes ,3.47 Score
Laught dduring sex   5/26/2016

Hi guys and gals!

I in most cases love joking and making fun during sex. But I know it may be irritating for most of the people. How would you respond to a partner who laughs and tries to make jokes during sex: insist on being serious or have fun together?


0 Comments, 9 Views, 0 Votes
The Sneeze   5/23/2016

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Although assuming the woman might ...


0 Comments, 111 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
HISTORY OF THE FAMOUS MIDDLE FINGER   5/23/2016

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of ...


1 Comments, 95 Views, 4 Votes ,5.19 Score
The New Three Bears   5/21/2016

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house. ...


0 Comments, 123 Views, 9 Votes ,6.42 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
poor bubba!!!   5/20/2016

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history ...


1 Comments, 95 Views, 12 Votes ,5.45 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Outstanding Ears   5/20/2016

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had ...


1 Comments, 111 Views, 11 Votes ,6.35 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Choo Choo   5/18/2016

How does a train eat? Chew chew.


1 Comments, 8 Views, 3 Votes ,2.45 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
( . ) ( . )   5/18/2016

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.


0 Comments, 5 Views, 3 Votes ,1.96 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
:)   5/18/2016

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


0 Comments, 9 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Pre-historic Joke   5/18/2016

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.


0 Comments, 2 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Let's Laugh Some More   5/18/2016

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.


0 Comments, 6 Views, 2 Votes ,5.20 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Are you ready to laugh?   5/18/2016

What sound does a doorbell make when a gorilla rings it? King kong.. king kong..


0 Comments, 5 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
A $500 Porsche   5/16/2016

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "It's worth a shot."

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. ...


2 Comments, 114 Views, 14 Votes ,3.46 Score
chaps2016 48 M
10  Articles
Colt .45   5/10/2016

A guy walked into a bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled....

I have a .45 Colt with an 8 shot clip and I want to know who's Fucking my wife... A voice from the back of the room called out.....

You don't have enough ammo!!!


0 Comments, 61 Views, 8 Votes ,3.01 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Corny jokes   5/9/2016

What time is it when you need to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie


0 Comments, 10 Views, 1 Votes ,1.10 Score
mikey197855 45 M
12  Articles
Corny jokes   5/9/2016

What time is it when you need to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie


0 Comments, 3 Views, 2 Votes ,1.73 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
which hole?   5/9/2016

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. ...


2 Comments, 117 Views, 19 Votes ,6.29 Score
salsagirl822 67 F
21  Articles
Keys   5/8/2016

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My boyfriend has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my ...


2 Comments, 131 Views, 13 Votes ,5.66 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
labels!!!   5/7/2016

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use ...


1 Comments, 61 Views, 7 Votes ,4.31 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Head Nurse   5/7/2016

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.


2 Comments, 31 Views, 7 Votes ,3.04 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Teacher and Student   5/7/2016

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!


0 Comments, 36 Views, 7 Votes ,3.30 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
2 kinds of people   5/7/2016

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord, " and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning.


0 Comments, 15 Views, 2 Votes ,5.20 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Whistle   5/7/2016

What can a bird do that a man can't?

Whistle through his pecker.....

Go ahead laugh


0 Comments, 14 Views, 4 Votes ,5.19 Score
Otis_Good 71 M
18  Articles
Prince   5/4/2016

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will ...


2 Comments, 95 Views, 9 Votes ,6.20 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Basic Misunderstanding   5/2/2016

“I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, " screamed his wife. "I'm really disappointed in you."

"You can hardly blame me, " he answered. "It's not like I was getting any sex from you.”

"Well that's your fault, " she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”


0 Comments, 56 Views, 7 Votes ,3.55 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Which Came First   5/1/2016

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"


1 Comments, 32 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
All's Well   4/30/2016

Donald Trump was walking along the beach when he came across a muslim and a mexican. Words were exchanged which quickly became physical. In the scuffle a genie bottle was dislodged from the sand. They all saw it and all three started rubbing it . Of course a genie soon appeared and said " I have three wishes to grant so I will give each of you one wish." The muslim said "I wish all muslims were ...


0 Comments, 91 Views, 10 Votes ,4.98 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
perseverance!!!!   4/28/2016

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her ...


2 Comments, 92 Views, 13 Votes ,4.65 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Wedding Gifts   4/28/2016

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed, with alternating current of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin ...


0 Comments, 85 Views, 10 Votes ,4.18 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Pink Shutters   4/26/2016

A man walks into a well known brothel, and asks the madam for the biggest, blackest girl they have.. Well, sure enough , upstairs, first door on the left. He goes up and opens the door, and there is Big Bertha, 460 lbs, if she is a hundred. She is laying on the bed , naked, giving him a real big smile. Her legs all spread wide. Her huge pussy lips hanging way down. He looks around for a ...


1 Comments, 101 Views, 11 Votes ,4.10 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Crafty   4/25/2016

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry, " said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine, " I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets it's head out of it's ass!"

"You crafty little bastard, " said the fairy.


0 Comments, 51 Views, 7 Votes ,4.31 Score
Group Therapy   4/24/2016

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small . "You all have obsessions, " he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your 's name, Penny."

He turned to the ...


0 Comments, 142 Views, 10 Votes ,5.38 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Exhaustion   4/23/2016

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow ...


0 Comments, 115 Views, 12 Votes ,6.33 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Want Some of This...   4/20/2016

A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra.

When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "Do you want some of this, big boy?”

Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "Hell no, look ...


1 Comments, 109 Views, 10 Votes ,5.97 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
bottles up!!!   4/17/2016

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk ...


3 Comments, 115 Views, 6 Votes ,4.79 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
bottles up!!!   4/17/2016

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk ...


2 Comments, 29 Views, 7 Votes ,3.80 Score
salsagirl822 67 F
21  Articles
50th Wedding Anniversary   4/16/2016

At the Parish Church, they have a weekly mens' marriage seminar.

At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, I try my best to treat her real nice, with respect, ...


2 Comments, 129 Views, 10 Votes ,3.58 Score
salsagirl822 67 F
21  Articles
Nurse check-up   4/16/2016

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, ...


1 Comments, 132 Views, 14 Votes ,5.38 Score
salsagirl822 67 F
21  Articles
Want Coffee   4/16/2016

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, no problem, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks ...


1 Comments, 110 Views, 10 Votes ,5.97 Score
salsagirl822 67 F
21  Articles
W__Y   4/16/2016

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy.

The tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also ...


0 Comments, 99 Views, 9 Votes ,5.78 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
What Are You Laughing About?   4/15/2016

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals.

The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water.

All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!"

And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!"


0 Comments, 46 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
reality!!!   4/12/2016

I was out shopping and my total was $36.50. So I gave the girl at the register two twenties, six dollars and fifty cents so I would get a $10. The little girl looked at the money then looked at me then looked at the money then looked at me. With a look like I was the biggest idiot she had ever seen she said "I don't need this." And gave me my 6.50 back. I collected my 3.50 in change and walked ...


1 Comments, 91 Views, 5 Votes ,5.10 Score
nautical3 61 M
6  Articles
Golf is a dangerous game   4/11/2016

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks, " I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John, " she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white ...


0 Comments, 107 Views, 9 Votes ,6.20 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Human Vase   4/10/2016

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells her friend "shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers he always expects something from me”. Her friend says, "What’s wrong with that I think its sweet". The girl says I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days”. Her friend replies: "Why don't ...


0 Comments, 86 Views, 8 Votes ,5.33 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
men .....luv them!!!   4/4/2016

Men Are Like



Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

..Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava ...


0 Comments, 47 Views, 9 Votes ,4.92 Score
love to laff   4/3/2016

Anyone got any good jokes.post them


0 Comments, 11 Views, 1 Votes
terracamo 64 M
10  Articles
Satan and Clinton   4/2/2016

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving, ...


1 Comments, 153 Views, 14 Votes ,5.38 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Car Deal   4/2/2016

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75, 000 asking price, " said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65, 000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this ...


1 Comments, 143 Views, 13 Votes ,6.33 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
wanna bet?   3/30/2016

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to open an account with the bank and deposit the $3 million she had in the bag. She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller opened the bag and saw ...


1 Comments, 138 Views, 8 Votes ,5.56 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude goes to his buddies...   3/30/2016

Dude goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

Hi, is Tony home? No, he went to the store. Well, you mind if I wait? No, come in?

They sit down and Dude says, Ya know, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.

Chick thinks about this for a second and figures what the fuck - a hundred ...


1 Comments, 127 Views, 6 Votes ,5.93 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
4 kinds of sex   3/27/2016

There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in ...


2 Comments, 59 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dudes 25th Anniversary...   3/27/2016

Dude and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked Dude, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" Dude replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" ...


0 Comments, 73 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Whats for breakfast   3/27/2016

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "You Motherfucker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she ...


0 Comments, 125 Views, 6 Votes ,5.36 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
3 Wishes   3/27/2016

One day Dude was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of the way. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your ...


0 Comments, 82 Views, 7 Votes ,4.57 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
The Blonde Husband   3/27/2016

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, ‘I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.’ The second woman says, ‘Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached.’ The first woman replies, ‘Funny, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.’


0 Comments, 56 Views, 5 Votes ,5.10 Score
FLSTC23 59 M
1  Article
A Rabbi, a Priest and an Imam...   3/25/2016

Let's see who I can offend with one joke.

A Nun, Sister Mary Margaret approaches the parish Priest with a concern:

"Father I am terribly ashamed. I have been having the most impure thoughts about S. E. X. lately. What should I do?"

"Sister Mary Margaret, You must purify your soul by taking a bath in milk"

So the good Sister goes to the dairy man to buy ...


0 Comments, 92 Views, 4 Votes ,3.25 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
all in the drink!   3/22/2016

Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your ...


3 Comments, 103 Views, 9 Votes ,3.85 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Love thy Neighbor   3/22/2016

One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devote they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

“I would love to, ” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”


0 Comments, 62 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Sex on Mars   3/22/2016

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way ...


0 Comments, 87 Views, 8 Votes ,4.17 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Perfect Tits   3/22/2016

Dude was walking down the street sees a woman with perfect tits. He says to her, “Hey, would you let me bite your tits for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away.

Dude turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your tits for $1, 000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen ...


1 Comments, 118 Views, 8 Votes ,3.94 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
If you will recall...   3/22/2016

Dude’s girlfriend was in labor with they first . She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you of a bitch!”

Dude casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”


0 Comments, 46 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Boiled Eggs   3/21/2016

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, “You’ve got to make love to me – this very moment.”

His eyes light up and he thinks, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, “Thanks, ” and returns to the stove. More than ...


1 Comments, 89 Views, 7 Votes ,5.08 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
DINNER DATE   3/20/2016

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining ...


1 Comments, 119 Views, 11 Votes ,4.85 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Elderly Customer   3/20/2016

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old, " he says.

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry, " says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


0 Comments, 60 Views, 5 Votes ,3.80 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Blonde Patient   3/20/2016

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine, " he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll ...


0 Comments, 89 Views, 6 Votes ,3.93 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Marriage Retreat   3/20/2016

At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.

And John wrote: I love sex


0 Comments, 64 Views, 5 Votes ,3.14 Score
whorecurious 62 C
164  Articles
Exciting Wedding   3/20/2016

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up? You look so excited.

The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman ...


0 Comments, 92 Views, 7 Votes ,4.57 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Just making sure...   3/19/2016

Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women, " she charged. "You're being unreasonable, " Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth!" The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs, " said Eve!


0 Comments, 45 Views, 3 Votes ,3.92 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude shares a room   3/19/2016

By the time Dude pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, " admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that ...


2 Comments, 95 Views, 8 Votes ,4.87 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
The moral of the story   3/19/2016

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.


0 Comments, 21 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude goes to the barber shop...   3/19/2016

Dude stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." Dude left. A few days later, Dude stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." Dude left. A week later, Dude stuck his head in the shop ...


1 Comments, 71 Views, 6 Votes ,5.93 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
oh come on   3/17/2016

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: Yeah, well I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you always do this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the craziest times. Wife: If you love me, I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me, you'd be more considerate. ...


2 Comments, 105 Views, 9 Votes ,4.07 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Its a Miricle...   3/17/2016

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of ...


0 Comments, 69 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Man's best friend   3/17/2016

OK, So your barking is at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in.

Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!


0 Comments, 34 Views, 2 Votes ,4.50 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Old dude goes to the doctor...   3/17/2016

So, this 85-year-old dude's doctor asks for a sperm count as part of dude's physical exam. The doctor gave the old dude a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old dude comes back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, clean and empty. The doctor asked, what happened and the old dude explained.

"Well, doc, it's like ...


0 Comments, 63 Views, 2 Votes ,5.20 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Alimony   3/17/2016

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honour, " he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


1 Comments, 36 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Somebody Stole My Car Officer   3/17/2016

A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint.

“Somebody stole my car, officer, ” he announced groggily. “I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.”

“We’ll go right to the station and report it, ” the cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition.

...


0 Comments, 76 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Lets get Mikie...   3/15/2016

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the ...


1 Comments, 90 Views, 7 Votes ,5.08 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Stranded Lawyers   3/15/2016

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true! "and told ...


0 Comments, 94 Views, 5 Votes ,5.43 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Finger vs Ear   3/15/2016

While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything, " the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear ...


0 Comments, 48 Views, 3 Votes ,3.43 Score
wittyhumor 41 M
37  Articles
Right time, right place?!!   3/15/2016

I'm in this very dirty place, right. Just stroking my cock here. As soon as I get in to it, this guy walks in and says, wow nice cock, it's so big!! So I say, what would you like to do with it? He says, what do you mean? So I say, sex, what you want? He says, the good kind! So I say, I'm sorry, just a sexxy cock here. Then he says, but I like sexxy cock......


1 Comments, 61 Views, 3 Votes
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude bumps into some chick   3/15/2016

So, dude is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow goes into her tits. So dude turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your titties, I know you'll excuse me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


1 Comments, 43 Views, 5 Votes ,4.77 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude walks into an elevator   3/15/2016

So, dude walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm, " he replies. "It must be your feet, then."


1 Comments, 40 Views, 5 Votes ,4.77 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
What's The Hurry   3/14/2016

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry?

The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing.

The bartender backs up and says ...


1 Comments, 62 Views, 3 Votes ,4.90 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
Problem Solving 101   3/13/2016

Husband: Honey, I have problems at work. Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems - since we are married, your problems are mine problems as well. Husband: Ok, then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant from us.






2 Comments, 40 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Alotta 'splanin to do...   3/12/2016

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" ...


1 Comments, 60 Views, 6 Votes ,5.64 Score
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Birds and bees and things that please   3/12/2016

Mom's in the kitchen making dinner, when her walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother says, “Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The girl looks confused so the mother tells her, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby..” The seems to ...


1 Comments, 71 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
wittyhumor 41 M
37  Articles
Fighting technique skill...   3/12/2016

They say if he is bigger kick him in the dingding! If his cocks really huge then take a high powered rifle to it! Make sure it's a silver bullet too!! He'll defiantly feel that one!!


0 Comments, 14 Views, 1 Votes ,1.10 Score
wittyhumor 41 M
37  Articles
The dirty dyed guy.....   3/11/2016

So I'm in this perfect neighborhood just smoking my pipe here. When, just then, this guy walks up to me, and asks me someting. He said that I got a nice pipe there can I suck it? So I say that this huge sexxy cock is just one step away from you. So he asks which foot should I put forward?


3 Comments, 43 Views, 1 Votes
UZIoSUICIDE 50 M
27  Articles
Dude goes to hell   3/11/2016

So, this dude goes to hell... When he gets there a demon strolls up and says "How's it goin'" Dude says, "Pretty fucked up" "Why" asks the demon. Dude says "Well, To begin with I died and I'm in hell" The demon says, "DUDE, ya act like its the end of the world.. Hells GREAT" "Let me ask ya something, do ya like to drink" Dude says, "HELL YEAH" "YOUR GONNA LOVE MONDAYS!" says the demon "Monday is ...


1 Comments, 75 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Little Johnny See Double   3/11/2016

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two of them!” “Two of them?” the teacher asked.

“Yeah, He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”


0 Comments, 36 Views, 2 Votes ,4.50 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Price   3/11/2016

At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched a Persian rug and she farted.

When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing behind her.

She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”

The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”


0 Comments, 20 Views, 2 Votes ,4.50 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
racing fans!!   3/9/2016

reply to this post rate flag

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being ...


0 Comments, 38 Views, 7 Votes ,4.82 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
is that all?   3/8/2016

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his ...


1 Comments, 94 Views, 5 Votes ,3.47 Score
The Toilet Seat   3/7/2016

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry ...


0 Comments, 139 Views, 4 Votes ,4.41 Score
studedmuffin 62 M
1  Article
Advice   3/7/2016

An elderly Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life. He said to him: "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf is evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, ...


0 Comments, 70 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Curious Blonde   3/6/2016

A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.


1 Comments, 36 Views, 3 Votes ,3.92 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Teeth   3/6/2016

Lady goes to dentist, ; finally in the room with the dentist, she sits down and lifts her legs all the way up, and wide apart. Dentist says lady, Im a dentist, not a gynocologist; Lady says i know, i just want my husband's teeth back. HaHa lolol


0 Comments, 13 Views, 2 Votes ,5.20 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
smart guy!!!   3/5/2016

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your ...


0 Comments, 76 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
Last Kiss   3/3/2016

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide, " she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, ...


2 Comments, 136 Views, 6 Votes ,5.36 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
attention please!!!!   2/29/2016

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just ...


0 Comments, 46 Views, 8 Votes ,5.56 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Hey Doc,   2/29/2016

A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol


0 Comments, 18 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Hey Doc,   2/29/2016

A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol


0 Comments, 8 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Hey Doc,   2/29/2016

A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol


0 Comments, 6 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Hey Doc,   2/29/2016

A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol


0 Comments, 2 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
The favor   2/28/2016

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" 

"Of course. What may I do for you?" 

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" 

...


1 Comments, 128 Views, 4 Votes ,5.57 Score
Marco01996 28 M
7  Articles
Jokes leading to sex   2/27/2016

Has being funny around somebody ever led to hot sex?


0 Comments, 23 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
The hungry elephant   2/25/2016

What did the elephant say to the naked man? ? How do you eat with that thing.!!! lol


0 Comments, 15 Views, 3 Votes ,2.45 Score
Drunk Driving Test   2/24/2016

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the  driver would do a little ...


1 Comments, 141 Views, 8 Votes ,4.87 Score
Confession   2/17/2016

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many , grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?'  ...


1 Comments, 163 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
Lemon Squeeze   2/16/2016

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a ...


0 Comments, 126 Views, 11 Votes ,4.48 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
all in the NAME!!!   2/13/2016

the first of the Three Wise Men slowly approached the barn and gingerly crossed over the threshold----into a big juicy pile of shit. Looking down at his gold slippers, he let out a shriek----"Jesus Christ!" The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said, "Joseph, that's a better name for the than Irving."




0 Comments, 43 Views, 8 Votes ,3.01 Score
ricksac1958 65 M
6  Articles
Python for sale   2/11/2016

A blonde was selling her pet Python.

Another blonde called, inquiring about the snake and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive."

She said, “How many feet?"

She said "none! ….it's a fucking snake !!"


0 Comments, 45 Views, 3 Votes ,3.43 Score
janrobaz 34 C
1  Article
Sex Reason.   2/11/2016

Ran across this and thought it would be nice to share it with others here on the site. I like the thought and maybe you will to.

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal.


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
rescue!!!   2/9/2016

reply to this post rate flag

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a ...


1 Comments, 149 Views, 19 Votes ,5.50 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
vacation!!!!   2/3/2016

God decided he needed a vacation One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it, " God said, "I went there 10, 000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way, " God replied. "I went there 5, 000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all, " God answered angrily. "I was there 2, 000 years ago and they're ...


1 Comments, 83 Views, 8 Votes ,2.55 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
marriage!!!   2/3/2016

Dingey's father was disturbed when he found out his was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.

"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and get yourself a wife."

So Dingey went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the father found Dingey 'choking the chicken' again.

"You crazy boy!" he yelled, ...


3 Comments, 151 Views, 10 Votes ,4.98 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
the challenge   2/2/2016

One evening, two guys were in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

Johnny energetically balls his and, reaching up with a ...


2 Comments, 118 Views, 7 Votes ,4.82 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
a+   2/1/2016

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart. Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager’s office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee — skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at ...


2 Comments, 104 Views, 7 Votes ,4.31 Score
bipolybabe69 57 F
4  Articles
Oops! The Laundry Guy now knows I'm a SLUT.   2/1/2016

This is a true story...much to my chagrin.

I enjoy double entendres and sexy texting with friends. I text indecent proposals to my partner in crime all day long. I'm a fast typist, so when I'm at home, I text from my computer in the Mac program iMessage*, which shows all the people I'm texting in a line like below:

[image]

Each week, I text The Laundry Guy (TLG) to ask ...


1 Comments, 103 Views, 7 Votes ,2.79 Score
A depressed young woman...   1/31/2016

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks to end it all, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you ...


3 Comments, 82 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
nice2eatu2019 59 M
41  Articles
Stork Family   1/31/2016

There is a family of storks: A mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork. One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner. Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.

"I was making a young couple very happy, " he replied.

About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner. Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom ...


0 Comments, 90 Views, 5 Votes ,4.77 Score
Sportsman’s Double   1/31/2016

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot . They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind ...


2 Comments, 88 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
Dirty jokes ;-)   1/31/2016

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was ...


0 Comments, 20 Views, 0 Votes
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
the vagina!!!   1/31/2016

The best engine in the world is the Vagina. It can be started with one finger, It is self lubricating, It takes any size piston, And it changes it's own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.....


2 Comments, 47 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
wise soul!!!   1/30/2016

A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts, " he thought, "There's no one here."

The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."

Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who said that?" ...


3 Comments, 96 Views, 7 Votes ,5.59 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
surprize!!   1/30/2016

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.

One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." He said with all the innocence he could muster.

"Oh, she'll be surprised ...


1 Comments, 110 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
oh billy!!!   1/28/2016

Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that of a bitch is nine.” In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. “BILLY!!! What are you doing? What are you saying??” Little Billy answered “I’m doing my math homework Mom.” “And is that what the teacher taught you?” she ...


2 Comments, 105 Views, 9 Votes ,4.92 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
awesome ride   1/28/2016

I bought a new Dodge Challenger. I returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and ...


1 Comments, 85 Views, 7 Votes ,5.33 Score
A toast for the birds   1/28/2016

Cheers for the stork, who brings good babies. Cheers to the raven, who brings bad babies. And most of all, Cheers to the swallow, who brings no babies!!


1 Comments, 19 Views, 2 Votes ,5.20 Score
Lemon Squeeze   1/27/2016

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a ...


0 Comments, 108 Views, 5 Votes ,5.43 Score
Two women are walking home....   1/27/2016

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in ...


0 Comments, 45 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
Two women are walking home....   1/27/2016

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in ...


2 Comments, 25 Views, 4 Votes ,5.19 Score
A man walks into a bar   1/27/2016

A man walks into a bar and grabs a menu:

Hamburger $5

Beer $5

Handjob $5

A gorgeous waitress walks up to take his order and he asks her, "Are you the ones giving the handjobs?"

She licks her lips and replies, "Yes."

He puts a $5 bill on the table and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a burger!"


0 Comments, 28 Views, 1 Votes ,5.00 Score
putting it in   1/27/2016

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the ...


2 Comments, 54 Views, 3 Votes ,5.39 Score
lnghairlover 57 M
1  Article
my favorite come on   1/27/2016

one of my favorite come on is to approach my intended and warm them up then ask " ya want to go necking some? i promise to be a good boy? i will keep my hands above the waist at all times! and my head below!


1 Comments, 30 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
all night long!!!   1/27/2016

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..."

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?"

The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on ...


2 Comments, 78 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
calling to say thank you!!   1/25/2016

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the ...


2 Comments, 92 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
Retired US Navy Veteran   1/24/2016

The old guy is up in his attic going thru his old Navy chest, that had all his Navy pictures, and things in. He started trying on the old Navy clothes, . The Navy hat was way too small. His Navy shirt was way too small. And his pants were way too short. He is standing there, with one sock on his dick, jacking like a mad man. He goes , Well, at least the socks still fits.


2 Comments, 49 Views, 4 Votes ,4.41 Score
wildaspirations 45 F
3  Articles
The last rites   1/22/2016

Some guys were sitting in a bar having a conversation.

One of them says, "What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?"

They think about it for a while, and then one of them answers, "I want them to say I was a good guy, and that I would be remembered as a very kind man."

The second guy nodded and said, "Yeah, I want them to say that I didn't deserve to ...


3 Comments, 101 Views, 7 Votes ,4.06 Score
wildaspirations 45 F
3  Articles
TEXT   1/22/2016

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are laughing send me your smile.

If you are crying send me your tears.

If you are eating send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are awake send me your thoughts.

If you are sleeping send me your dreams.

I love you!"

The husband, typically non ...


1 Comments, 65 Views, 5 Votes ,4.45 Score
The confession   1/19/2016

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, ...


0 Comments, 102 Views, 7 Votes ,5.84 Score
usda_beeff 46 M
4  Articles
Dirty Knock Knock Jokes   1/18/2016

Knock, Knock! Who's There? Anita! Anita who? Anita Dick inside me


0 Comments, 12 Views, 2 Votes ,1.04 Score
usda_beeff 46 M
4  Articles
Dirty Knock Knock Jokes   1/18/2016

Knock, Knock! Who's There? Anita! Anita who? Anita Dick inside me


0 Comments, 7 Views, 1 Votes ,2.40 Score
usda_beeff 46 M
4  Articles
Funny Accountants Jokes   1/18/2016

What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures. What is the definition of "accountant"? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at. Why accountants don't read novels? ...


0 Comments, 30 Views, 1 Votes ,1.10 Score
usda_beeff 46 M
4  Articles
3 Pregnant Women Joke   1/18/2016

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and ...


0 Comments, 51 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
Missed Chance   1/17/2016

It was late on Sunday morning and the man was in bed with a hard-on. He wrote a note and had his four year old give it to his mother.

It read:

“The tent pole is up; the canvas is spread; quit your damned cooking and come back to bed.”

The turned the note over and wrote a reply. She had your give it to his father.

It read:

“Take the tent pole ...


0 Comments, 95 Views, 3 Votes ,3.92 Score
voyeurs69in2003 73 C
107  Articles
Cream and sugar for a coffee   1/16/2016

Young waitress asks elderly man: Do you want a cream and sugar for your coffee? Man responds by saying: Just a cream because I am sweet already. She asks then: Could you prove it? Man answers: Sure, just kiss me!


0 Comments, 65 Views, 5 Votes ,3.14 Score
johnny3840 63 C
1  Article
Sitting under a palm tree   1/13/2016

Did you hear the one about the two Arabs sitting under a palm tree eating their dates?


2 Comments, 46 Views, 5 Votes ,3.14 Score
Two Irish Nuns   1/12/2016

Two Irish nuns, old and young, were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So, ...


0 Comments, 141 Views, 9 Votes ,4.28 Score
Clodiusthefirst 77 M
23  Articles
SPOONERISM REVISION!   1/11/2016

What is the difference between a nun & a woman in the bath?



The nun has a soul full of hope& the bather has a hole full of soap.



Add any others you know please. XX


0 Comments, 15 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
Clodiusthefirst 77 M
23  Articles
SPOONERISM   1/10/2016

What is the difference between a nun & a woman in the bath?

The nun has a soul full of hope& the bather has a hope full of soap.

Add any others you know please. XX


0 Comments, 8 Views, 1 Votes ,3.70 Score
what is this?   1/7/2016

what am i doing here?


0 Comments, 29 Views, 2 Votes
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Garden Hoe's:P   1/7/2016

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.


0 Comments, 28 Views, 6 Votes ,1.09 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Saggy Boob?   1/7/2016

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.


0 Comments, 12 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Rubiks Cube ?   1/7/2016

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets


0 Comments, 11 Views, 2 Votes ,1.73 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Lesbo Dino? P   1/7/2016

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.


0 Comments, 9 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Dr Papper! :P   1/7/2016

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.


0 Comments, 15 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Banana??   1/7/2016

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!


0 Comments, 12 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Mafia :D   1/7/2016

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.


0 Comments, 12 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Santa Clause?   1/7/2016

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.


0 Comments, 2 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Goodyear :D   1/7/2016

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.


0 Comments, 5 Views, 4 Votes ,2.47 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Teacher....   1/7/2016

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.


0 Comments, 6 Views, 4 Votes ,2.47 Score
Bobwhynot87 34 M
25  Articles
Brothel :D   1/7/2016

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed


0 Comments, 4 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
Exercises for those over 55   1/2/2016

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

  Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. 

  After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a ...


2 Comments, 101 Views, 7 Votes ,4.82 Score
Little Bruce   1/1/2016

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,  but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,  "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,  Mr. Smith ...


1 Comments, 162 Views, 9 Votes ,5.78 Score
Well-baby exam   12/31/2015

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.

Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, check his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed, ” she replied.

“Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist. ...


0 Comments, 144 Views, 5 Votes ,5.43 Score
swanman2015 67 M
9  Articles
12:30   12/31/2015

Two old guys were sitting around talking. One guy said to the other, Hey, I just got me a brand new hearing aid. It's the state of the art, It is really high tech, and hell , it cost me a bundle. Other guy says, Oh, really? What kind is it.? Other guy replied 12:30.


0 Comments, 46 Views, 6 Votes ,2.80 Score
The Errant Wife   12/30/2015

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is ...


0 Comments, 192 Views, 8 Votes ,5.80 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
No Santa   12/28/2015

Anyone wondering why they didn't see the old fat guy this year, I hate to tell ya:

Seems he got busted in CA for laying some doll under a tree!


0 Comments, 28 Views, 3 Votes ,2.94 Score
Politically Correct Definitions   12/20/2015

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as ‘APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS’.

  And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN. '

  ...


1 Comments, 83 Views, 6 Votes ,4.22 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
man down call 911!!!   12/19/2015

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"




2 Comments, 46 Views, 6 Votes ,4.79 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
easy A!!!!   12/19/2015

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not ...


2 Comments, 137 Views, 11 Votes ,5.41 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
wishlist!!!   12/16/2015

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your seems to be in heat."

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up ...


1 Comments, 128 Views, 15 Votes ,5.27 Score
What did the chicken say to the blind farmer?   12/14/2015

Moo


2 Comments, 32 Views, 4 Votes ,0.92 Score
TravelingMan524 71 M
17  Articles
A twist on an old saying   12/12/2015

We have all heard the saying : <br><br> "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" <br><br> I like the one for the ladies that says: <br><br> "Why buy the hog when all you want is some sausage?


1 Comments, 26 Views, 2 Votes ,2.42 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
growing pain !!!!   12/11/2015

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except his private part, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private part, sticking out.

Two ...


3 Comments, 131 Views, 11 Votes ,5.41 Score
YummyLicousMe 33 F
3  Articles
Sex Jokes   12/11/2015

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"


0 Comments, 23 Views, 3 Votes ,2.45 Score
YummyLicousMe 33 F
3  Articles
Sex Jokes   12/11/2015

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"


2 Comments, 22 Views, 6 Votes ,5.07 Score
Crows and Trucks   12/10/2015

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed ...


2 Comments, 105 Views, 6 Votes ,4.79 Score
TravelingMan524 71 M
17  Articles
Tooth brush   12/10/2015

It is obvious that the tooth brush was invented by a hillbilly.

If anyone else had invented it it would be called a teeth brush.


0 Comments, 24 Views, 3 Votes ,3.43 Score
The "Question"   12/7/2015

The little boy runs into the house. "Mommy, where did I come from?"

She hesitates and then decides he's old enough and takes him into the bedroom. She strips and lays on the bed. She spreads her legs and has him get between them. She points to her hole and says, "You came from here."

The boy started whooping and hollering and ran out of the house. His buddy hears him and ...


2 Comments, 234 Views, 15 Votes ,3.74 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
Bad fit   12/7/2015

Guy going to same Doc for years keeps complaining of recurring migraines. After the tenth time the Doc tells him: '...I've done some research and if we castrate you that should relieve a lot of pressure and the bad headaches will clear up.' The guy balks and leaves the office. A month and two migraines later, he's back and consents to the operation. Everything goes well and he's feeling so ...


1 Comments, 123 Views, 4 Votes ,5.57 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
what an ass!!!   12/6/2015

A married couple in their early sixties...



were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet and romantic restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I ...


2 Comments, 131 Views, 11 Votes ,4.66 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
benny who?   12/6/2015

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some one coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are ...


2 Comments, 113 Views, 6 Votes ,5.93 Score
discreetmale618 63 M
2  Articles
Blonde Cop   12/6/2015

Blonde cop pulls over Blonde speeder. Blonde cop need to see your drivers license Blonde speeder digs thru her purse and asks What does it look like? Blonde cop It has your picture on it silly! Blonde speeder digs thru purse again and pulls out a compact and opens it Is this it? Hands it to blonde cop Blonde cop Well had I known you were a Police Officer I would have let you go right away!


3 Comments, 56 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
Itish Men Declare War   12/3/2015

Irish man declares war  Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it is Paddy here. I am just ringing to let you know that we have declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there is no point you declaring war on us, you would not stand a chance." Paddy ...


3 Comments, 84 Views, 6 Votes ,5.36 Score
Hospital Blues   12/3/2015

A woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? hello, darling. I would like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I do not want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from a to z." The voice on the other line said "would you hold the line please, that is a very ...


2 Comments, 75 Views, 6 Votes ,5.36 Score
The Bet   12/3/2015

A little old lady went into the Headquarters of Bank of America carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account.

The receptionist objected, stating “You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man.”

“But I'm here to make a very large cash deposit, ...


2 Comments, 161 Views, 8 Votes ,5.56 Score
The Statue   12/3/2015

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don't move until I tell you to, ” she whispered. “Just pretend you're a statue.”

“What's this honey?” her husband asked as he entered the room.

...


2 Comments, 134 Views, 10 Votes ,5.58 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
oh shit!!!   12/3/2015

********************************** Doc, " says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change ...


3 Comments, 91 Views, 11 Votes ,3.54 Score
Otis_Good 71 M
18  Articles
A bargain   12/3/2015

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that ...


5 Comments, 108 Views, 9 Votes ,5.56 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
Heros   12/2/2015

Three on the corner talking about their families. Boy #1: my granddad served in Vietnam and has all kind of medals. Boy #2: my dad was in Iraq and saved his whole platoon from an ambush. That's brave...he's a hero. Boy #3 had to think awhile: well last night I heard my dad tell mom that if she'd turn off the light he'd eat it. That's pretty brave eating glass and mom called him 'my ...


1 Comments, 69 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
lets make a deal!!   12/1/2015

man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and ...


2 Comments, 100 Views, 8 Votes ,5.80 Score
Don't Mess with Seniors   12/1/2015

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady ...


4 Comments, 153 Views, 12 Votes ,6.51 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
Literary   11/30/2015

Read any good books lately? How about these: 'The Glass Bra' by Seymore Tits, "Who Goosed the Moose' by Antlers In the Tree Tops, 'Snake Also Rises' by Flute Player and that classic 'Yoke-less Eggs' by Rosters with Rubbers.


2 Comments, 42 Views, 5 Votes ,3.47 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
golfing   11/27/2015

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to ...


5 Comments, 150 Views, 14 Votes ,5.54 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
wtf???   11/27/2015

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination. When a third man approaches her, ...


3 Comments, 123 Views, 8 Votes ,6.03 Score
jimbo844 58 M
26  Articles
Depressed   11/25/2015

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"



"Yeah. But ...


2 Comments, 77 Views, 4 Votes ,3.63 Score
Murphy the Golfer   11/23/2015

One day on Lucky Hole #13,  Murphy finally makes his first hole-in-one. Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.

  The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."

  The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer."

  "Done" says the leprechaun.

  By the 14th hole the Murphy can tell something ...


4 Comments, 141 Views, 10 Votes ,5.38 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
happy anniversary baby!!!   11/23/2015

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you ...


6 Comments, 153 Views, 8 Votes ,6.03 Score
jimbo844 58 M
26  Articles
The Day's Catch   11/23/2015

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the Smoky Lake Tavern.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.



A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.



'Fishing, ' replied the old man.



'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the ...


5 Comments, 85 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
jimbo844 58 M
26  Articles
Army Induction   11/23/2015

Fifty one years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted by the army.

On his first day, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the army barber sheared off all his hair.

On the second day, the army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, the army dentist yanked out seven of his rotten teeth.

On the third day, the army issued him a jock strap. ...


2 Comments, 63 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
poets!!!!   11/22/2015

it seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats, died on the same day. When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, ...


2 Comments, 80 Views, 7 Votes ,3.30 Score
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:   11/22/2015

1.  AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2.  AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3.  FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4.  A ...


0 Comments, 41 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
Circumcised   11/21/2015

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

  She went back to find out what was going on.

  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

  He was to ...


2 Comments, 170 Views, 12 Votes ,3.68 Score
tesla_charismati 29 M
1  Article
Interesting choice of food   11/21/2015

This is for real. People are so creative. Ill let the picture speaks for itself.


3 Comments, 70 Views, 2 Votes ,0.34 Score
rm_BIGYODAG2 65 M
24  Articles
Here After Quandary   11/21/2015

Having met on AdultFriendFinder and after 7 Es back & forth, this couple finally makes a date. He takes her to a nice restaurant, where he wines & dines her. After desert he proposes a nice Motel within walking distance and she accepts. It's a nice little room and he gently asks: 'You need the bathroom first?' "No...you go ahead." 10 min.s later he pops out nude and is surprised to see her sitting on the ...


1 Comments, 91 Views, 2 Votes ,3.12 Score
The new milking machine   11/19/2015

A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he learned that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he ...


3 Comments, 176 Views, 11 Votes ,4.85 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
growth!   11/19/2015

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, ...


3 Comments, 95 Views, 11 Votes ,4.10 Score
TattyCat001 66 M
14  Articles
The Difference?   11/18/2015

What is the difference between sin and shame? > > > > > > > > Well . . . It is sometimes a sin when it slips in, but it is almost always a shame when it slips out.


1 Comments, 11 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
Blessed4WhiteBoy 63 M
1  Article
A terrible itch   11/18/2015

A 80 year old woman goes to the doctor complaining of a terrible itch between her legs, upon inspection, he tells her she has the crabs. The old lady replies"That's impossible, I am a virgin, and never have never been with a man." So she goes to get a second opinion from another doctor, he get's her feet up in the stirrups for a closer look. She explains she is a 80 year old virgin, and that the ...


2 Comments, 107 Views, 4 Votes ,3.25 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
lets get it on!!!   11/17/2015

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the ...


3 Comments, 79 Views, 9 Votes ,4.49 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
yea puppies!!!   11/16/2015

A father and his 6-year-old are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his , says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the , and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the bursts into his parents' room and sees them ...


3 Comments, 117 Views, 5 Votes ,5.75 Score
rm_NOPoet30 67 M
47  Articles
At the convent   11/16/2015

Three nuns sitting around in the garden. The eldest in her 70s was hard of hearing and usually kept to herself and was quietly knitting. The two younger nuns across from her were discussing their garden endeavors. The first one asks if the youngest nun had any success growing vegetables. "Oh my yes..the biggest Italian squash was this long", she said holding her hands a good foot apart, "and ...


2 Comments, 78 Views, 2 Votes ,3.81 Score
SAD STORY... MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE.   11/15/2015

A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them -- taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet . Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said ...


1 Comments, 137 Views, 5 Votes ,5.10 Score
jimbo844 58 M
26  Articles
Jack and Jill   11/15/2015

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthfull of cock because Jills real name was RANDY


1 Comments, 14 Views, 1 Votes ,3.70 Score
jimbo844 58 M
26  Articles
Bar Joke   11/14/2015

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy say, “168.”

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves and the more ...


3 Comments, 93 Views, 8 Votes ,3.48 Score
wickedcat2006 49 F
145  Articles
pledge!!!   11/13/2015

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two ...


4 Comments, 94 Views, 7 Votes ,5.84 Score