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Jokes from the net
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Jokes from the net I resign... - The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, 'All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign.'' The Buffalo Theory, - As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers to his buddy Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Dress of Love - An old woman went to visit her and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the "What are you doing naked?" The responds "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds "This is the dress of love." And he said to her "Well, go iron the thing first!" Paper to Grow On - A wife was complaining about her breasts being small and was thinking about getting the done surgically. Her husband told her the way to make her breast grow would be to rub toilet paper between everyday. The wife was skeptical but went and got some toilet paper and started rubbing between her breast. The wife asked the husband how long do I have to do this. The husband said a few years. The wife exclaimed a few years? Are you sure this is going to work? The husband replied it worked on your butt, didn't it? Good Intentions - A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of partiicular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me." St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago." The Little Pirate - A little boy goes into a department store dressed as a pirate. A saleslady sees him and says, "Well, aren't you cute, but where are your buccaneers?" The little boy looks up at her and says, "On my bucking head!!!" Every Man for Himself - An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman were crossing the Atlantic in an ocean liner. The boat was ready to sink and they got out the lifeboats. The Englishman called out, "Women and first." The German said, "Screw the women." The Frenchman replied, "Do we have time?" The Fortune Teller - A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two ." "That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of THREE ." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" Where's my Wife? - A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." Grandma's 100th Birthday Bash - The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart." Birth Control Pills - An elderly woman went into the doctor. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." Three Men - Three men were on a plane, a preacher, a hippie and the smartest man in the world. The pilot had a heart attach and died, and the plane started going down. There were only two parachutes, so the smartest man in the world stated that the world needs him so he was going first, and he bailed out. The preacher told the hippie that he had lived a long satisfying life, and told the hippie he could have the other parachute. The hippie told him that they could both have one because the smartest man in the world jumped out with his backpack. STAT! - Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have done time for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are currently defendants in lawsuits *84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. Silent Break In - A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" NASA Ingenuity - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Two Pigeons - Two pigeons sat on a roof when a low flying jet fighter plane passed overhead. Said the first pigeon to the second one, "Wow! That guy was really going fast!" The second pigeon replied, "So would you, if your butt was on fire!" The Mother-In-Law Tragedy - A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, "You wanna sell that mule?" I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year." Blonde Robbery - A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet." The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun. "The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back. The blonde said, "You're an idiot -- there's no bullets in the gun. "The man replied, "No, you're the idiot -- there's no money in the wallet." Lazy ! - If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. Irishman - His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. Drought Solution... - There was drought in Ireland. Top scientists of Ireland were discussing about solutions. Their suggested solution was... "Dilute the water..." Microsoft Programmer - Microsoft-programmers are flying to the Comdex. Suddenly a crane crashes into the cockpit. The pilot prepares for an emergency-landing. The programmers shout: 'Fly on. Maybe nobody discovers it.' Hardware Problem - How many programmers does it take to screw in a Light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem! PMS - How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? Comical Sports Commentary - Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event: "This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." Ted Walsh, Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother." At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew." Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?" Men are like mascara, any sign of emotion and they're running Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? A: A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy. Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things? Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard. The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love The prayer of a naughty girl visiting the Church: Oh Virgin Mother thou who did conceive without sinning... teach me to sin without conceiving! There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? A 3-legged walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap! Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with "A woman once told me..." What do men consider a 50-50 relationship? We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle! Nowadays 80% of women have decided against marriage, they've realised that for 4oz of sausage it's not worth marrying the whole pig! Hi, don't panic, but i'm in hospital, i poisoned myself, i ate what i thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb. doctors say i'll be out in the spring.. Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with."Quit while you're ahead?".... Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?.... Whose idea was it to have an "s" in the word "lisp"?... What do you call a row of dolls about to be burned? A barbie-queue! You should always give 100% at work... 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad. One says Ribbit ribbit and the other says rubbit rubbit. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?... Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Sardar sees front side of a girl´s T-Shirt that reads: HANDLE WITH CARE. Next day sardar wears jeans and writes: CANDLE WITH HAIR! Great inventions planned by Profs Santa Singh and Banta Singh 1. Waterproof towel 2. Solar powered flashlight 3. Inflatable dart board 4. A dictionary index 5. Ejector seat in a helicopter 6. A book on how to read 7. Pedal powered wheelchair 8. Waterproof teabag 9. Powdered water 10. Submarine screen door! What is the height of foolishness? A woman bathing in a bathroom with transparent door and a sardar looking through the keyhole! Sardar was shopping in a store. SALESMAN: Sir, would you like to use a pocket calculator? SARDAR: No thanks. I know how many pockets I have! SANTA: How do you account for your recent defeat in polls? BANTA: I was a victim. SANTA: Of what? BANTA: Of accurate counting! Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed! What do you do when a sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back! What will Santa do after taking photocopies? He will compare them with the original for spelling mistakes! When the Titanic was drowning, an Italian asked Santa: How far is land? SANTA: Two kms. The Italian jumped in the sea and asked: Which direction? SANTA: Down! KBC 2 (English) AMITABH: Your last question for two crores. What is your dad´s name? SARDAR: (Laughs) AMITABH: Why are you laughing? SARDAR: You didn´t give options! A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said: I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I´ve ever read. There was no story whatsoever and there were far too many characters. The librarian replied: Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book! Doc told Santa, who had 4 in 4 years, through an interpreter that he absolutely had to wear a condom because as long he wore it his wife could not have another baby. A month later his wife Santo got pregnant. Doc got very angry. He called Santa and gave him a long lecture through the interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn´t worn the condom. Interpreter said: He swears he did wear it and never took it off. Doc shook his head: In that case ask him how the heck his wife is pregnant again. Interpreter said: He says that after 6 days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off! Sardar gave 36 roses to his girlfriend, who thrilled, undressed, lied down spreading her legs and said: This for the roses. Sardar said: Why? Can´t you find a vase?! Santa found Banta very depressed. SANTA: What happened? BANTA: Yaar I lost Rs 1000 in a bet yesterday. SANTA: How come? BANTA: Well, the one-day match between India and England was shown live on TV yesterday. I bet Rs 700 that India would win but I lost. SANTA: But that´s only Rs 700, where did the rest go? BANTA: Yaar, I bet on the highlights too! Santa and Santo were planning to go on a second honeymoon on their 10th wedding anniversary. SANTO: We will go to all the same places that we did on our first hm. SANTA: As you wish. SANTO: We will do all the things we did on our first hm. SANTA: OK. SANTO: And will we make love like on our first hm? SANTA: That´s right except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry ´Its too big, its too big´! A Sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over him. The Sardar says, "It is good that cows don't fly"! Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the Sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can"! Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "Are you wearing two jackets?". "Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can says 'put on two coats'"! Did you hear about the Sardar who asked his friends to give him all of their burnt out light bulbs? He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom! Marital woes jokes Here's a couple good jokes on marriage, which I'm sure u'll appreciate. 1. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. 2. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. 3. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 4. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 5. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 6. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them 7. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? 8. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 9. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. 10. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 11. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years 12. "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 13. "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." 14. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it 2.Whenever you're right, shut up. 15. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... 16. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 17. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 18. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 19. Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 20. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 21. First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive. Thanks 4 reading my blog! As 4 how's life treating me, so much the better 4 u readin' my blog, Of course! No Sweat! Besides, How’z life treating u? In case u want 2 ad me 2 ur list of contacts, so if u do decide 2 add me, u can do so. |
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