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Virtual Symposium On Inappropriate Temptations: Some Swinging Solicitations Are Not In The Cards
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Virtual Symposium On Inappropriate Temptations: Some Swinging Solicitations Are Not In The Cards This blog entry is part of the third virtual symposium, an informal collection of bloggers who – purely for the hell of it – voted on a single topic (Inappropriate Temptations) and agreed, on or about Nov. 1, to post their interpretations of that topic. A continually updated list of participants can be found here: Participants List For The Third Virtual Symposium Inappropriate Temptation Participants List For The Third Virtual Symposium: Inappropriate Temptation I’m quick to defend members of the swinging community when they’ve been hit with unfair characterizations… but sometimes members of this community get a little over exuberant, and they should be taken to task when this happens. Consider the case of apparent non-swinger Elyse Anders, who in May 2012 wrote about giving a keynote address on vaccinations at Skepticamp Ohio, a gathering of critical thinkers. That’s vaccinations. Needles. Disease. Nothing to do with sex. Certainly nothing to do with swinging. Nonetheless, after her presentation she was approached by a couple who handed her what appeared an upside-down business card, but wasn’t. As Anders wrote in a skepchick blog titled “Sex and the Keynote”: “A minute or so later, I had a “wait… what?” moment, then flipped the card over and looked at it not peripherally to discover I had not been handed a business card, but a card with a naked photo of the two of them, with their information on how to contact them should I want to fuck.” Anders offers an anonymized version of the card hidden behind a link on her blog. It’s a pretty typical lifestyle calling card: It features the first names of the couple, as well as an address where their lifestyle profile can be found. *Sigh* I understand why some folks might be attracted to people they see speaking at conferences. A good speaker garners a lot of attention. A good speaker comes across as informed and willing to communicate, which can be very sexy. A good speaker is just that – a good communicator. To some, any of the above can be very sexy. And of course, a good speaker may flat-out be physically attractive. But there is a vast difference between fantasizing about someone one sees at a conference, and acting without provocation on that fantasy. The types of calling cards Anders was given are appropriate within the lifestyle: They’re usually given out at meet and greets, or at clubs or parties – in short, places where people might be receptive to receiving them. At vanilla events? No and no and no. Doing so there is a pretty big violation of the “what happens at a club stays at the club” lifestyle ethos. Anders doesn’t need me to defend her. She makes her displeasure known in eight terse statements – and it’s hard to disagree with any one of ‘em. I’ll list her thoughts, below – but read her blog anyway, as she elaborates on each. 1. It’s not okay to assume that any woman (or non-woman) is at a conference to be your plaything. 2. It’s not okay to assume a stranger welcomes your nakedness. 3. It’s not okay to remove another person’s ability to have a say in the situation you’ve put them in. 4. It’s not okay to proposition someone while they are at work. 5. Your speaker’s looks are irrelevant to everything else she brings to your conference. And so is your boner. 6. If there is a conference policy on not propositioning people at your conference, don’t approach people for sex. 7. I cannot think of a single situation where it’s ever appropriate to hand someone an invitation to group sex if you haven’t already had or discussed having sex. 8. Outnumbering a stranger while putting them in an uncomfortable situation is a dick thing to do. Anders is absolutely right about these actions being wildly inappropriate in a vanilla setting. I’ll add that a few of her comments are valid at a swingers’ event – especially her point number eight. Conference organizers contacted the couple, who apparently at first tried to explain away their behavior with “It was a joke.” Anders isn’t having any of it – and neither am I. As Anders puts it, “this was a case of it being easier to apologize later than to consider my feelings ahead of time… because best case scenario, they get to fuck me. Worst case scenario, they get to say ‘It’s a joke! Boobs in your professional face! Get it?’” Pushed further, the couple gave something of an apology, in which they said (in part): “We had no idea that there would be an objection to sharing what we call our ‘pleasure card’ with Elyse. The intention was not sexual, it was comical, and i truly apologize that there was a misinterpretation of what I did on a whim. “We didn’t give cards to anyone else (except our business card to stay in contact with other participants), and had no intention of harassment. It was an act of boorish behavior on my part, but it won’t be repeated. I certainly have learned from this experience.” My closing thought on the whole matter: If this is how this couple behaves at a vanilla event, what would they consider appropriate in a more sexually charged venue such as a swingers party? And why would anyone in the community risk be willing to risk finding out? Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic |
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Thank you... and yeah, it ain't up to the offense-giving party to determine whether it's a joke or not... Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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So tacky!! I couldn't imagine the chutzpah it would take to give out a card in a vanilla environment like that! I'm not surprised they offered one of those "I'm sorry you feel that way about what I did/said" apologies. Sadly, the "recruiter" types aren't few and far between, seems like a lot of couples think that approaching people in inappropriate venues is acceptable! I'm curious, have you personally run into any swingers with cards? In this area, it's almost an outdated type of communication, the only people that do it any more are older (55+) swingers. 12 years ago everybody did it, I can remember coming home from a club, taking off my bra and having a handful of cards fall out! 
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I have to say that this is kind of gross. She is talking about vaccinations and gets propositioned? These people have no common sense and yes, I would steer clear of anyone like that in a swinging type of situation. Great post and happy 3rd symposium to you! Kitkat The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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HG mmmm makes you wonder what is running through their minds.. Good post for your 3rd symposium.. hugssssss V Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
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So tacky!! I couldn't imagine the chutzpah it would take to give out a card in a vanilla environment like that! I'm not surprised they offered one of those "I'm sorry you feel that way about what I did/said" apologies. Sadly, the "recruiter" types aren't few and far between, seems like a lot of couples think that approaching people in inappropriate venues is acceptable! I'm curious, have you personally run into any swingers with cards? In this area, it's almost an outdated type of communication, the only people that do it any more are older (55+) swingers. 12 years ago everybody did it, I can remember coming home from a club, taking off my bra and having a handful of cards fall out! These days, I suspect mobile devices are used to swap information... although given that many clubs ban the phones (because they don't want photos/videos taken) there is still a place for the cards... Personally, I think they're a sweet anachronism! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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I have to say that this is kind of gross. She is talking about vaccinations and gets propositioned? These people have no common sense and yes, I would steer clear of anyone like that in a swinging type of situation. Great post and happy 3rd symposium to you! Kitkat Hm, maybe "Tacky in bed" should be a suggested topic for a future symposium! Happy third symposium to you -- and happy NatNoWriMo to you, as well! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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HG mmmm makes you wonder what is running through their minds.. Good post for your 3rd symposium.. hugssssss V Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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But vaccinations and needles are so fucking arousing! I get hard just thinking about having a sharp piece of metal full of toxins stabbed into my butt cheek! And don't even get me started on lethal viruses! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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But vaccinations and needles are so fucking arousing! I get hard just thinking about having a sharp piece of metal full of toxins stabbed into my butt cheek! And don't even get me started on lethal viruses! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Boorish, indeed. ICK.  
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I have met those swingers and have several of "the cards" and have even "purposely" met people out of town at conferences I've attended for work, but never have I handed out a nonbusiness card...certainly not to the keynote speaker...no matter how sexy they may be....not cool!
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There is a time and a place... and indeed, if someone has given a hint that her or she is open to this sort of activity, it can be something talked about... but to just hand over a card and walk away has a "ring and run" feel to it, which is pretty juvenile. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Boorish, indeed. ICK. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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I have met those swingers and have several of "the cards" and have even "purposely" met people out of town at conferences I've attended for work, but never have I handed out a nonbusiness card...certainly not to the keynote speaker...no matter how sexy they may be....not cool! I used to keep a few Monopoly cards in my wallet, thinking that it would be amusing to hand an "Advance token to nearest utility" card to someone who asked for my card. Never actually followed through on it -- and certainly didn't once I began attending conferences for work. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Your comment demonstrates why swingers' events need to move into the mainstream -- it's so other events can maintain their focus on the nominal issue at hand? Not buying this argument? Hey, a man can try... Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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It can also turn off folks who might have been interested at some point investigating the lifestyle... the reaction could easily -- understandably -- be that if this is the level of decorum and discretion people in the lifestyle demonstrate, who needs it? Not cool, all around. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Sometimes life plays the pleasure card, and sometimes it plays the joker! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Or... they thought they could get away with something, got called out on it, and may or may not have learned their lesson. My fear is that they might not do this sort of thing again at the Skepticamp, but will try it elsewhere. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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Alas, people with this trait tend not to learn... or can't realize when such situations apply. One can only hope people with a bit more perspective/introspective tendencies can learn from other folks' mistakes! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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In my experience those are the people I always avoided. Every normal boundary or polite rejection you gave was part of their sales pitch. ( at a swingers function that is). Its one reason I am not around those in the lifestyle anymore. I met more then a few cockroaches who decided no did not mean no, and you had to get unpleasant or leave. I have met both women and men like that... Like gum on your shoe. And heaven HELP YOU if you slept with them before. - Arti But in this case it wasn't even a question of no... it was a question of decorum. And it sucked. Got tips for recognizing these folks? By all means share... and either way, welcome to the blog! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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