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9 days in and Killin it  

MisfitJohn138 41M
3 posts
1/9/2022 8:55 am
9 days in and Killin it

Last night I took way to much poetic justice in attempting to describe new years ever well enough. I am not stoic. I am an emotional creature by nature and I believe this aids in my ability to be passionate. It also means that being in tune with ones feelings is hard when you struggle with regulating your emotions. As a I decided no one was going to hurt me as badly as I can hurt my self. Thats just the truth, and that coping skill helped me survive allot of situations in life. It also resulted in years of self defeating behavior and a toxic cycle of building and destroying my life over and over. I know this is an absolutely public forum and I find my self holding back in trying to explain more clearly the importance of this moment in my life. I have placed my self in many positions in life, and in dealing with certain people that I have ties to, I came to a point where I put my foot down and decided I no longer would allow my self to be manipulated by guilt and shame. I have grown up feeling an absolute inability to be this person everyone around me feels like I should be. Trying to please I attempt and fail over and over and over. Which only increases the problem of feeling negatively about my self. So this new years party was being held at the house of a woman that I was dating. I will say this. I fight and struggle to see any point in my life at times. I know how horrible that sounds and of course I can list off any multitude of things to be grateful for, but when you speak them and no warmth envelops your heart are you truly grateful? I had a moment in time where I was actually optimistic, actual moments of joy. Pure joy, not the joy that comes when doing something that may be bending your moral compass. I was able to look my mother in the face and tell her "Hey, I want you to know that I am doing okay. I'm actually looking forward to seeing where all this is going to go." I sit here writing this, the entire situation having crumbled to shit, but I would not change any of it, those moments are moments in life that one should live for. Incredibly long story short, I got hammer fucking wasted. There was laughing, wedding dresses being put on, and much merriment. I awoke to a very upset individual saying that someone pissed the bed. That person ended up being me. I ended up falling back asleep and going over and over in my head what a fuck up I was. You know that, most people wont, but when I wake up and you are like "Oh Fuck, I think im in trouble." Ron White talked about it, the "Ewww Buddy." So awaking some time later I peak my head out the door, and thinking it witty and actually hoping to find out I ask " Is pissing the bed the worst thing I did all night?" Quickly I realized that having ones bed pissed it is incredibly triggering for some people. The response was not as I had assumed it would come across and actually I could feel my<b> stomach </font></b>sink, my head spin, as the dragon circling my head swooped in for the death and landed crushing me beneath the breadth of its entire wait, and imploding like a dying star, shrank deep into antimatter capacity lodging it self deep deep with in my soul, sending a planetary wobble through my energy. This nearly threw me off my axis, Nearly. So trying to figure out what one does in the position I just sat, consumed, absolutely consumed with a self hatred and embarrassment and a shame so fucking deep and heavy I could do nothing other than ask my self " Really? Really is this the way we are beginning our new year?" Words can do no justice to wave of darkness that consumed my entirety. I put the sheets in the wash, the most amazing mother fucking comforter known to man, that was super brand new in fact in a trash bag to take to the dry cleaners and clean a couple other party fouls. Once I was arrested for some small thing and had a back pack full of sex toys as I was headed some where to have some fun. I need not describe all the sorts and variety of toys I had, but unless truly liberated as few truly are, one could be mortified as the back pack is emptied and inventoried for the report. You could sit there in shame and embarrassment, worried what could they possibly be thinking of me right now. The other option was to sit up straight, shoulders back head up and own that shit like a mother fucking boss. That moment came back to me that morning. What can I do, at some point I have to take ownership of all of me. Being me comes at very expensive p[rice, and I can't help but often ask my self is the price worth it anymore. I have to be the change I want to see. After everything, emotionally I was spent. Visibly distraught , just because I was going to own it, doesn't mean I can just ignore my actions and make sure that I make right any wrongs I have created. I attempted to explain what was going on inside me. This raging war of "Dude your going to burn this all fucking down again. Your freedom will be gone, and they all will have what they need to show others your a wretched worthless cunt." And "Hello my name is John and I like to party." One could argue, well John look what your doing, its wrong, if you just did this this and this, and didn't do this this and this, then you'll be acceptable." Right and Wrong can only be truly determined with in ones own moral compass, yes there is absolutes, but those are also personal because there is always an exception to the rule. The miracle in all this, the two atoms smashing together creating shock waves though my being was, as all this chaos stimulated me externally, internally I was processing tidal waves of emotions and feelings, choosing at what felt at the time like lightning speed, Which cliff I was going to dive off of. I struggle with sincere desires to stop fighting, I don't need anymore reasons to push me towards that choice. That morning I did what I could, then I excited the situation when I realized that the only thing trying to communicate about it would do was send me deeper into despair, with a person I truly truly care about and enjoyed being around. I crossed a line with my behavior, I was wrong for my actions, but that morning that person crossed a line with there mouth. Granted I get it, things said in those states are rash and not always meant. It falls on me deeply writing this that it goes both ways, how many times has my mouth unleashed dragons that never can be taken back. To many to count, my mouth is a vile hole of poison when backed in a corner or hurt. I have been on this journey of trying to figure out what about my self can I accept, and what can I not, and one thing I struggled with was lying. Dishonesty is incredibly cancerous. I lied in attempts to shield peoples feelings and in doing so turned hand grenades in to planet destroying asteroids. So I made a choice a while back that I no longer would live in lies and deceit, even at the expense of those feelings around me. No I have not been perfect by any means. But I have had moments of absolute revelation when I realized this situation is going to turn into such a one, and it needs to be changed, remedied, or removed. Saturday I spent the day recovering licking my wounds. This ultimately was a lesson. A lesson I took the time to study and prepare for. Sunday, I got up off my duff and started cleaning. My home is not very homie. I am not well off by any means and my house is lacking in decor and the things that make it feel like a home. I am not supposed to be sitting in this home alone, but I am and at the moment there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I can make everything incredibly worse by feeding the dark wolf, and I am I am choosing not to. I know he is still present, I allow him to lay at my feet and know that even I can't deny a scrap or two to lowly beast. I accomplished allot, laundry washed,folded, and put away. I wiped the ceiling fans off, cleaned the base boards, swept and mopped and got my house in order. Now, after showing my ass and feeling as though I have wronged someone, I can be somewhat of a door mat in an attempt to please the other person. I made another decision a few months ago. I want to find peace within, I want to find purpose to my life. I do not want to feel as though I would rather be dead on a daily basis. No one. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, is going to get between my pursuit for these things, and if that becomes the issue, you will no longer be in my life in that moment until you can understand and respect where i am coming from. My house in order, my ability to have walked though that situation the day before, I felt a sense of ease and calm, knowing it would be short lived but I have learned to bask in its warm glow for every moment you can while its there. Granted, I was still emotionally raw, fearful even, as I was trying to make peace and process, there were reactions in my communications with other person, ones that I can completely appreciate the appearance of everything and the feelings of another person also going though there own stuff, that just were not okay. Trauma response, ya straight up trauma response, because that is exactly what happened new years morning, that is what happen several time proceeding it. Tuesday night I was due to return. It was a long day at work, I was tired, emotionally raw trying to wrap my head around several big situations in my life. I stopped at the MC Donald's drive through thinking it would be smart to put something in my<b> stomach. </font></b>I struggle with people truly understanding where I am coming from. I felt this need for them to understand the nature of what i just went through, and how incredibly dangerous that is for me, because everything could have gone 180 degrees different. That thought "Don't fucking go, its not a good idea." came over me again. This time I would not, no could not ignore it. And so I lied. Right, so much for not living in lies and deceit. I bee lined it home and the reaction was the reaction. I will ask for forgiveness, I will not grovel. Toxic relationships have patterns, cycles they flow in. Not only in the specific relationship i speak of, but the several I have had come and go in the recent past, are me walking into situations I know will hurt. That is vulnerability and is needed for any, any purposeful relationship. But one goes walking into a situation he has walked into over and over again, knowing I'm gonna get hurt, but I'm going to do it anyway, that is unhealthy. I have never not beaten a dead , and this time I am trying so desperately to be aware of the signs, Just because its not right, right now, doesn't mean it can be addressed again in the future. I had to ask my self if I was in a position now, or soon could be, that I could truly give this person what they deserve. Could I live up to that persons expectations of me if that relationship went to the next level, which I think we both were really thinking was going to happen. The answer is no. I am a newly re birthed phoenix crawling out of the ashes of past experience and life, I am learning to truly attempt to find love for myself. Not because of a sense of deserving so, but because I know the alternative not only hurts me, it hurts people that are more important to me than I am my self. The saga will be continued.

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